Remember

Me.
driving home from LA to Pheonix.
getting hit by a tire skin which could have killed me.
God's grace.
His protection.
His goodness.
My friends.
Talking.
Laughing.
getting dressed up.
and playing with goats.
voices.
my voice.
your voice.
His voice.
No condemnation.
Processes.
love.
riley.
family.
listening.
silence.
music.
stillness.
chaos.
these times.

Life.

When I was little....

I couldn't talk.
My sister katie, who is 16 months older than i am, had to translate my babble for me.
She understood me.
She was the only one, too.

This is katie.
She is beautiful.
and she doesn't know about this blog.
then again, who does?
perfect.





someday, you will read this, katie.
and when you do, i hope you feel loved and appreciated, because you are by me.
and thank you for giving in and letting me take these pictures.
be a model.

Themes

God works in themes.
This, atleast, has been my experience.

The three themes that He has been speaking to me for the past couple of months are 1) Accepting, 2) Surrendering, and
3) Sacrificing.

He's teaching me the importance of accepting; accepting my circumstances, accepting people, accepting myself.
Accepting.
Not running away.
Not trying to fight against that which i have no control over.
Not dwelling on the past.
Not worrying about the future.
Accepting the present moment: all the good and bad it entails.

My mom told me something really profound during my time at home this Christmas.
She said that what causes us to suffer the most is not necessarily what happens to us. Instead, it is our attempt to change things that we don't like. We suffer when we don't like our circumstances, when we don't like ourselves and we react to this displeasure by striving to change these things.

God has also been showing me that I need to accept His grace in order to experience His love and freedom.
Grace is something that has always been such an impossible, abstract concept to me.
I don't know how to accept it.
It isn't natural for me to accept it.

There is no conemnation for those in Christ Jesus.
Period.
How can i condemn myself, wheny Jesus Christ does not condemn me?
Am i of greater authority than Him?


i just got really tired....more themes later.

...and that's all I have to say about that.

I miss Lauryn.

I also miss Buttsy.

And my mom.

and Ri-puppy.



I'm happy.
But I still miss people/dog.

I'm in a place where I'm really content to be where I am, not just physically, but in every aspect of being.
At the same time, however, I want more.
I always want more.
I want to want more of what i should want more of.


Something else: I only really feel comfortable around the crazies.
why?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm crazy too?
There's just something about normality that scares me.
I don't like perfectly shaped boxes.
I don't like rigid things.
I need to breath.
I need flexibility.
I need to be able to be.


Scatter brain.

Fear

is it always a bad thing?
can it be healthy?
do we feel it at times in order to protect ourselves from something or someone who will or has harmed us in some way?

Someone once told me that fear means "false evidence appearing real".
At the time i completely agreed.

Now, i'm not so sure that's a complete enough definition of what fear is.

Don't we have to be afraid of some things in life to even stay alive?

And how do we distinguish between
"rational" and "irrational" fear?
healthy or unhealthy?
inhibiting vs. protecting?


I don't want to have any fear.
Fear is not a pleasant thing.
But I don't think we can always control it.
And I think in certain cases it is there for a reason.

I'm not sure though....

people are people.

I need to be reminded of this a lot.
We're broken, messy, and imperfect.
We feel pain deeply.
We get hurt by others.
We hurt others.


I'm so blessed to have people in my life that remind me that they are just like me: human.

As girls, we constantly compare ourselves to other girls.
How we look.
How we act.
How much attention we get and from whom.
Even when the comparison isn't out of resentment or jealousy, we still compare.

I hate this.
I want to break the cycle of comparing.
We are different, yes.
But, really we are all the same because we are all human.

Lately i've been realizing that i'm not the only one who feels the way i feel or has felt the way i have felt. I'm not the only person who has the odd, sometimes twisted thoughts that i have. I'm not the only one who assumes that someone else's life is better than their own. I'm not the only person who has had their heart broken in a way that is hard to describe. I think we all need to be reminded that we aren't alone in most things. Yes, our experiences will be different. But, our feelings; our thoughts; the things that make us human in essence: this is what makes us the same.

I'm so thankful to those who remind me that I'm not alone.

Because i love my sister, think she is incredibly beautiful, and i needed to entertain myself with something.....

I decided to take some pictures of betsy, my 16 year old sister.
There is this wash at the end of my neighborhood, which is basically a mini-desert type area.
So, we had a little photoshoot there.






>

I think i want to start taking more pictures of people i care about.
This might even be a new year's resolution for me.

I used to fear photographs; being in them, taking them. It just seemed like such a hassle. To me, taking photographs reduced my ability to fully experience each moment in my life honestly. I think one major thing that bothered me and still bothers me about pictures is that they are often construed or minipulated to show something or someone in a way that isn't completely honest. Whenever there is a camera around, people are trying to look their best, act the happiest they can, pose in the most flattering way for their specific body type. And i, more than anyone, fell prey to what disgusted me the most about taking or being in pictures. I hate that people can't just 'be' when it comes to photographs, but that we feel the need to be something beautiful or happy or sexy or desirable or funny. To me, the camera took away the freedom i felt to just 'be'.

The thing that i've been learning in life that also applies to photography, is that people are deep wells of complexity. To say that people 'have layers' is a huge understatement. The human soul is such a vast, complex thing that we aren't even aware of our own depth. But does this mean that we don't try to understand others? Does it mean that we give up trying to understand ourselves?

I'm learning that complexity is beautiful. Even when photographs are full of fake smiles and perfectly posed figures, there is still honesty to be found in these pictures. There is still honesty to be found within people who seem to hide behind their construed smiles. There is honesty in the masks that people wear; in the pain that they try to hide. There is honesty in the fact that a smile is more acceptable than a frown and that the sound of laughter is more tolerable than the sound of crying.

So, i guess to sum up all of what i'm trying to say: people are the most beautiful when they are the most honest. Photographs, in my opinion, are the most beautiful when they are the most honest. I can't give up on people just because they don't always seem genuine. I can't give up on photographing people just because they are sometimes not completely genuine in pictures. I can't stop striving to find truth and honesty in people, just as i cannot give up capturing this honesty with my camera.

Photography to me isn't about taking pictures of pretty things. It's about taking pictures of real things; to me that is beautiful.